Cramps Cramps Cramps Cramps

I have gut wrenching, kidney twisting, uterus crying, CRAMPS.

They're awful.

I'm taking some Midol, eating normally (not really counting my calories), and I'm gonna workout. I'll probably also eat some sort of chocolatey treat :)


But I broke my trend today and hit 245.8! I didn't hit 243 but next week, I can proudly say that's a realistic number to try and attain!

Thug Kitchen/ Yoga

I'm a big fan of anything 'motivational', 'inspirational', and any type of bad photo with a great font attached. Something about it just really makes me love it.

I was sitting, aimlessly perusing Facebook (as I do quite often), when I came upon the GREATEST MOTIVATIONAL FITNESS POSTS EVER. I think they're really funny and I definitely spent WAY too much time scrolling through all the posts.

Thug Kitchen 'Eat Like You Give A Fuck'

Aren't they great? I scroll through them every once in a while for a good laugh.

I realized that I never mentioned on here that I got a GREAT deal a while ago at a local yoga/fitness studio. I bought an unlimited yoga/pilates/hot yoga/ballet barre class package from a local studio. I've had it since the beginning of July and I love it!

I've been trying to go just about every day, trying out different classes. So far, ballet barre is probably my favorite. I just love that the movements aren't fast, vigorous and tiring, but they still work you out enough so youre pretty damn tired after the class.

Hot yoga is another something that I've been doing, though I haven't done it in a while. I by no means am flexible at all, but I can slowly see my flexibility improve through practicing. I definitely am not able to do all the moves properly, but I definitely try. Sometimes, when I find that I can't do something, it makes me dread doing it/quit. I think that definitely happened a bit with hot yoga, but after not doing it for a week, I definitely miss it and am going to return to it. I feel so peaceful after it, and it's a GREAT workout!

I'm planning on going to class tomorrow morning, so I'm really excited about that :)

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3 lbs. a week

As much as I love the holidays, I also seriously hate them! My family LOVES going out to eat (especially Italian food) so we went to NYC to a cute little italian place, but then Olive Garden today! Needless to say, this all stops tomorrow.

After being intrigued by my friend Ellen and her fast that she undertook, I decided to research how to lose 3 lbs a week.

After being de-railed for the latter half of June, I want to make some serious strides! Losing weight seems to be (at the basic level) a numbers game, and I wanted to see what it would look like for me to lose 3 lbs in a week.

I found this article that describes what you need to do, and after plugging in the values for my age, height and weight, it came down to this:

Step One: Calculate your resting metabolic rate (determined by your age, height, weight, and activity level. I usually put moderate activity, because while I try to workout everyday, I don't really think it's "high intensity" at all). Mine is 2,550 calories a day.

Step Two: Subtract 600 calories from this number, as the number of calories you're going to eat in a day. 2,550-600 = 1,950. While this number seemed a bit high to me, just wait until you see what's next. It all made sense after that.

Step Three: Burn NINE HUNDRED CALORIES A DAY.  This brings my daily caloric intake to 1,050 after subtracting exercise.

I know that this all won't make sense unless you read the article, so before you begin to think that I'm insane, just read the article on caloric deficits that I linked above.

Thought: I suppose you could reverse this and cut out 900 calories a day and burn 600. To me, this seems a bit more reasonable. At the end of the day, you're going to have a 1,500 calorie deficit each day.


I know it seems like a tall order, but I'm going to try this out because, well, what have I got to lose?!

I'll be reporting each day on my caloric intake and exercise to keep track.

10 lbs

I've been a horrible blogger, horrible weight-loser, and a great excuse maker.

Over the past few weeks, not only have I not blogged, I lost track of my weight loss. I slipped up, never fully recovered, and am just now FINALLY back at where I started.

10 pounds down. It's the second week in JULY and I've only lost 10 pounds! I swear, it's like the scale won't let me go below 246.But honestly, I know it's all my fault and I have no one else to blame.


My eating habits never have been okay throughout this whole process. I constantly justify 'cheats', or little sweets, etc.!

I can't say there will be no more, but there will be LESS. I am striving for a whole week of clean eating with no cheating this week.

That, coupled with yoga and TRX classes should bring me down at least 2-3 lbs this week as well.

My goal for 7/14/2013 is to weigh 243 lbs.

Balance

As I write this post, I am heavily procrastinating studying for a test. So I find it oddly ironic that I'm preaching balance, when really, I hardly have any in my life. I feel like I go from one extreme to the next, causing tidal waves whichever I way I go.

I started work last week. It was hard for me to adjust to the schedule of working full time two days a week and part time for one, and on those days have to come home and workout. It's so much easier to just grab a to-go meal and lay in bed.


.....but we all know what the result of that was. I gained two pounds last week!

This week, I'd like to see the number 245 on the scale. I've been reaching for that number, standing on my tippy-toes but not quiteeeee making it.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, but I am determined to not let it get to me and to have everything under control.

Some things I've learned from working in an office 20 hours a week:

1. Constantly sitting is really boring, and surprisingly tiring.
2. It's important to have healthy snacks with you at all times or you WILL succumb to your neighboring vending machine. 
3. It's not weird to bring lemons and some knives to work to help spice up your water. 
4. It's so much easier to put on your workout clothes at work and just exercise at the staff gym. I have to drive home to get to the gym, and I always mange to convince myself that I'll just 'rest for a bit at home' and then come back. 
5. I'm going to bring in green tea bags to have something to sip on besides water.
6. OFFICES ARE VERY BORING PLACES.

Tomorrow I'm going to have to use my lunch break to workout because I have to dash somewhere after work. I plan on doing a quick-but-vigorous 45 minute workout (30 minutes treadmill, 15 elliptical). Hopefully I can put myself back together enough to last the rest of the day. I don't wanna look a mess my second week at work!

Losertown

A while ago on Tumblr, I found this site. It's called Losertown, and it's a great weight loss calculator that I use to keep myself motivated.

After plugging in all the above information, the site tells you exactly how much you'll weigh if you follow everything correctly. I haven't really kept track of its accuracy, but I use it as more of a motivator than anything else.

I just get super excited to think about myself weighing less and less. It's crazy to think that if I keep this up for a year, I could be around 139 lbs. I haven't seen that number on the scale in a very, very, very long time!

Just for shits and giggles I'm going to post my predicted calendar on here, and as the weeks pass, I'm going to see if this actually works. But keep in mind that I go over or under my 1300 calorie goal a lot, so it's probably not going to be accurate, but I've always wanted to try it just because

The idea that I could be 188 by my birthday is all the motivation that I need. I am not celebrating my birthday in a fat suit again.

June is halfway O V E R

Can you guys believe it? June is almost halfway over! There are 6 official days until summer!

I for one, have definitely lost track of some of the goals that I set for myself this month, so I wanted to bring them back up and into action.

Goal #1: Run 3-5 times a week

Goal #2: Eat on track (1,300) calories

Goal #3: Cut out added sugars

Goal #4: 3-4 cups of green tea/day

Goal #5: Read two classics

Goal #6: Update blog regularly

Goal #7: Stop lamenting myself.


Ultimate Goal: Lose 10 lbs and be 235.7


Well, with about 15 days left in the month, I know that I'm not going to lose ten pounds by June 30th. I lost a week of clean eating and working out and set myself back, but it is okay. I am seeing a lot of progress and this journey is more about improving myself than anything else.

So far, I've definitely accomplished Goal #1 the most. I have started running more often and with more frequency and am definitely enjoying it a lot more than I once used to. I still am getting the hang of it, but I am at least trying to run.

On the other hand, goal number 2, 3 and 4 are the ones that I am accomplishing with the LEAST amount of frequency. I am going to cup with a solution for this, because cutting out added sugars, eating properly, and drinking more green tea are something that I've been trying to do for a while now.

I have worked on Goal #7 though. While, I'm not going to lie and say that there haven't been days (or a succession of days) where I've been unhappy with myself, I have started looking towards the positive more often than I did before. That's what matters, right?


-----


So, with 16 days left in the month, I am going to re-start and re-check my goals. I'm going to cup with a list of solutions to help me 'solve' my goals.

Goal #1: Run 3-5 times a week.
    - with work starting, I have been going to the gym far less regularly. I am either going to start packing my gym clothes with me and just going straight from work or keeping the clothes on the first floor of my house and going right to the basement and running.

Goal #2: Eat on track (1,300) calories
   -This is something that has been a continuous challenge for me. On Sunday, I am going to try 'meal prepping' and only eating (for the entire week) what I prepare. I have to focus, and tell myself repeatedly that it's mind over matter with this one.

Goal #3: Cut out added sugars
  - No plan for this one yet. I may have to put it on the back burner, to be honest.

Goal #4: 3-4 cups of green tea/day

  - I am going to brew a jug of green tea that I keep in the fridge so I can drink it when I want.


I'm not going to be able to perfectly implement all 7 of my goals, but I'll be doing better than when I started if I keep it up with these 4.

It's crazy to think how time FLIES by.

The official countdown to the start of school is: 73 days!

Ride For A Reason

Last Sunday, I accomplished something that I didn't think I'd be able to do. I rode 22 miles for a bike race. It was gruesome, tiring, challenging and hellacious, but I did it.

Last Sunday, I also ate a lot. That race burned around 1,600 calories for me and I definitely needed some energy back. I ended up throwing caution in the wind, and consuming MANY, MANY, MANY, calories that day.

I thought it would be a one time thing, but it wasn't. I felt a familiar feeling creep back into my life - the idea that my stomach was an eternal black hole and nothing could fill it. After the race, I went to Panera and filled up on Black Bean Soup and a Tomato and Mozzarella Panini (well, well worth it). I enjoyed every last bite of that creamy yet tangy sandwich, and if I try really hard I can still taste the kick of the Black Bean Soup. That meal was gratifying. After that race, that meal really gave me the energy that a banana and a couple Chewy bars couldn't really replenish.

Another thing happened on Sunday as well. I crumbled. I lost control, and worst of all, I lost my mindset. I lost the ability and the reasoning that would tell my brain to put down the cookie and step away from the cheese. I lost the motivation to keep fighting my wants. I gave in. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I did.

I remember the exact moment it happened, too. I went downstairs and there was an opened packet of Oatmeal Raisin cookies sitting on the counter. You have to remember, I love, like seriously LOVE, baked goods. I saw the last three cookies sitting on the counter and something snapped. I told myself what the hell, you can have it. Just sit down, pour yourself a glass of milk and have the cookies.

So I did. Then I ate an apple cinnamon muffin, and some basil pesto pasta for dinner.

...I haven't stopped since.

But this week, I realized something valuable. I realized that half the stuff I was eating, I didn't even want to be eating.

 

 I was the cake, and my brain was Mrs. Trunchbull, making me eat cake that I didn't even want to be eating. I was forcing myself into eating something that I knew wasn't beneficial for me at all.

 

I'd like to return to my previous eating habits, because I might have gotten bored with them in the moment, but I know that in the long run what I was doing was so much better for me.

 

I have to weigh myself tomorrow, and the fact that the scale isn't going to be in my favor is enough to make me regret every single thing that I've eaten in this past week. Last week I hit a personal low for me, and it was incredibly stupid of me to give up seeing an even lower number on the scale, just for food.

 

I have to do it, though. I have to see the number and see how poor actions cause poor results.

 

I'm not writing this as a depressing thing, but because I know that I have to be mentally ready to work hard again because I've set myself backward. 

 

 

Healthy Fats vs. Bad Fats

Yesterday, my family made me go to the grocery store to get desert after dinner. I had about three different requests from 6 different people, and not one of them were healthy!

My mom requested a cheesecake, my sister a low calorie alternative, and my dad requested his trusty Pineapple Coconut Frozen Yogurt. Even with all these options, I still knew that nothing would fill me up and lessen my urge to want to eat the cheesecake (I really can't afford 27g of fat from one tiny piece).

I made the decision to buy some new peanut butter and chocolate chips and create a cookie dough oatmeal. It was FANTASTIC and I thoroughly enjoyed it -- probably enough to have it for breakfast this morning.

But while I was eating my peanut butter, my sister told me that PB had too many calories and fat and was not good for me at all. WRONG!!

There is a big, big difference between all types of fat.  

We need fatty acids and healthy fats in our diet to keep us going! I found this great article that really explains all the basic information that you need to know regarding fats, healthy fats, and what type of fats to avoid here 

Types of good fats:

1. Monounsaturated: found in nuts, nut oils, avocado, olives, etc. 
2. Polyunsaturated: found in fish (salmon is a good one), seeds and nuts, etc. 

Types of BAD fats:

1. Saturated: found in high fat cuts of meat such as chicken with the skin on, beef, pork etc. 
2. Trans: commercial and manufactured foods.  

  Therefore, on the REAL scale, my peanut butter is in the GOOD fat area of monounsaturated and cheesecake is probably in the trans fat scale. 

Oh, how I wish emoji's could be used everywhere!

H20

We've all heard about the tremendous health benefits that water has. It's been preached to us throughout our whole lives, starting from kindergarten.

The human body has a dire need for this substance. We can go up to 7 days without eating and still live, but can perish in mere hours if the climate is hot enough and we don't have water.

Knowing this, it's fascinating how many times a day we reach for other substances to quench our 'thirst', when all we really need is a glass of water. Soda, juice, lemonade, iced tea, etc. are all common place in my house. When someone gets thirsty, no one reaches for water, but instead will go for anything else they can find.

It's been about 3 months since I've given up soda and I've never looked back. It's actually been one of the most liberating things that I've done in a while. I've noticed several benefits, and I also am no longer putting any of those harsh chemicals into my body.

It wasn't hard at all actually, I just simply stopped. I didn't have to wean myself off the drink, or get any weird cravings, I simply reached for water.

When I told my family, they were all shocked. During our weekly grocery store trips, we used to buy six bottles of Coke Zero, two cases of Sprite cans, and three  orange juice gallons. I think that's roughly $20 a week on drinks!!

In a year we spend ONE THOUSAND FORTY DOLLARS ON VARIOUS LIQUIDS.

It's not only healthier to drink water, but it's just cheaper! I wish we'd have taken those $1,040 and went on a vacation to the beach for a week!

There's many different reasons to stop drinking other liquids with added sugars and chemicals, but until you find one that hits you in the gut, no matter what anyone says, you're not going to quit.

But, in the meantime, there are various ways to spice up your water to make it taste better!

Studies show that a glass of warm or hot (or any) lemon water in the morning before your first meal aids your digestive system and cleans your liver.

Lemon, mint leaves, cucumbers, and even orange slices are some of my favorite things to add to my water to keep it from getting boring!

And sparkling water is the perfect alternative for those people who enjoy the bubbly taste of soda. Add some fruit to that, and you've got a great refreshing drink!!

Motivational Monday

I know that I've been wishy-washy and off track lately, but now that it's June 3rd and the weekend is over, it is time to BUCKLE DOWN.

There are 81 days between now and when summer ends, and it's time to get serious. I know I say that a lot, but I am trying to keep repeating it so that the idea is ingrained in my head.

I'm going to do a Motivational Monday along with Meal Prep Monday (I might have a thing for alliteration). It gets so hard for me to be motivated after a bit of clean eating + exercising because I feel like I'm not getting results in proportion with how hard I am working.

I know that's not true, but it's so hard to keep it in perspective sometimes! This is a pin I found on Pinterest that keeps me going and reminds me why I'm doing what I'm doing. 

Ever since I can remember, I've been wearing tankinis with shorts or a full size bathing suit to the beach.
Never have I ever worn a bikini. One of my many life goals is to finally be able to put on that glorification of a bra and panties and parade around with all the self confidence in the world. I've been dreaming of the day that it'll happen and now that I'm finally taking a step towards my goals, I know that day is coming closer and closer.

Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani

Today's post is going to be much more of a personal one, as opposed to a fitness oriented post.


After heading to the temple in the morning, and a great lunch with the whole family after, my family and I went to go see the new movie Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani. I thought it was a super fun movie, and the songs were even better.

Plus, my future husband Ranbir Kapoor was lookin' fine as always ;)

I have an affinity for Bollywood movies that runs through my blood and will never leave me. When I was little, I used to want to be a Bollywood actor so badly. I used to have magazine cut outs of my favorite celebrities and used to hoard magazines.

I always have a couple songs from each movie that really stand out to me, and are stuck in my head for days after. Well, I definitely found mine for this movie!

 

I just love Deepika Padukone! I think she is so pretty, poised, and is definitely my fitspriation. Her legs are so toned and I  just love the way she rocks her curves in a sari. She's perfect, and I would love to have a body like hers.

June is HERE!

June is upon us, and summer officially starts in 20 days!


Because I am a huge believer in goal lists, to-do lists (any type of list really), I've made a June Goal List that I'm going to share with everyone!

I wanted to make this list with both fitness and personal goals because I am trying to make my fitness a more consistent type of routine that fits into my daily schedule.

With May behind us, I am proud to say that I have lost EIGHT POUNDS. 

It is definitely an accomplishment, and I hope to continue to push myself and I want to try to lose 10 lbs by the end of June. If I stick to a stricter schedule, I definitely think that this will be possible. 

I also want to maintain a more positive body image, because I think that it is important for me to stop crtiscizing myself and to understand that I have come a long way from where I was. My clothing is fitting better, I am feeling better, and with more consistency and hard work I know that it'll all be possible! 


Cutting out added sugars is something that will be hard, but beneficial for me in the long run. I want to stop using any sweeteners (besides Truvia and organic agave syrup). I want to limit my intake of those too, however.  Just because they're organic, it doesn't mean they're super healthy for you.


Here's to a happy, healthy, and enjoyable summer!

 

We have 20 days to look our best!

Physical Activity

No, I don't mean the gym. I mean my life-style.

Since it's summer, I live a pretty (OK, very) lethargic lifestyle. Other than the hour to hour and a half I spend in the gym, I'm a very sedentary person. My days consist of me sitting on the sofa or bed, watching TV and/or doing homework.

I read online that your metabolism slows down and basically becomes as lazy as you are. Therefore, I am going to try to lead a more active life-style. I don't really know what this entails, as my whole family is pretty sedentary as well, but I'm going to give it a whirl.

Through all of this change that I'm going to try to incorporate in my life, I'll employ my beloved dogs, Jackie and Jackson to come with me. Today, I took them on a 1.5 mile walk and it tired them out as much as it did me. It was groggy and humid out, but I know they appreciated the physical activity.


Tomorrow, I think I'm going to try to work in some fetch (that doesn't really work very well with my dogs, but I'll try). The only problem is that my dogs LOVE to play with other dogs, but don't realize that their enthusiasm isn't matched by the strange dogs that they don't know. Therefore, they end up getting hyper and excited, and it's pretty hard to control these two when that happens.

I don't know if I can take them for runs or to the doggie park, but I'm going to spend at least 30 minutes a day doing something active with my dogs. I'm gonna start with a walk every morning and night, but I'm sure that'll be a huge change for even my dogs.

My Fitness Pal

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

My Fitness Pal is a great calorie counter that I'm using to be able to count my calories, update my workouts and also the amount of water I drink.

It's this nifty little app that allows me to just scan whatever I eat and tells me how many calories I should be eating and how much of each nutrient I need.

One of the things that I really enjoy is that it lets me create recipes and calculates the calories per serving of anything that I add! Last night for dinner, my sister made a veggie pizza on whole grain crust and it was so simple to be able to add in the ingredients and measure the calories per serving.

I also found out that MFP offers a cool 'ticker' that helps you track your weight loss on websites and forums, so I've attached mine to my Stats page! It's cool, customizable and it helps keep me motivated.

Bad Days

The other day, I had a bad eating day. Not because I went over my calories, but because I couldn't control myself. After having an OK day all day, cravings struck me around 9pm.

All I could think about was food. I mean, lick-your-fingers and the bowl type of food. I wanted chocolate cake with ice cream on it, and then a slice of warm apple pie right after. Hell, I probably could have gone for some french fries too.

I hate the fact that food controls my thoughts, emotions and feelings. I hate being emotionally dependent on food. 

I get crazy cravings that make me rummage through the fridge, looking for stuff we don't have, and in the process, eating lots of crazy things and binging, sad, frustrated and very unsatisfied.

I know that in my last post I talked about having a healthy relationship with food, but I don't think I understood how hard that comes.

It means that when I'm laying in bed after dinner watching TV, I can't indulge in that bowl of ice cream. It also means that when my family is ordering take out for dinner, I can't have a couple bites here and there (because, for me, that always turns into half a plate of food I didn't need).

It's so hard to detach myself from something that I have to do everyday. I have to eat, but I have to eat right. I have to learn that chomping on obscure foods isn't going to crack that craving, but that instead I really do just have to have a glass of water and do something else. 

Trust me, I know ALL the tips. I just have to follow them. 

 I thought that by allowing myself to have a small, healthy desert everyday, I could banish these cravings. But, let's be honest, 100 calorie greek yogurt ice cream really isn't as good as apple pie a la mode.

I guess I just have to really remind myself how excited I was when I made my way out of the 250s, and how much hitting the next  milestone is going to mean to me.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?

While I don't know if I will ever consider that statement to be true, I do know that I can't afford to cheat in the beginning stages of my regime. Right now, I'm in a vulnerable place where I'm trying really hard to stick to a routine, but my old cravings are creeping back into my life. I have to power through it and understand that going down into the kitchen after dinner can only end badly.

My roommate in freshman year told me that nothing good ever happens after 2 am. 
 I have to concur with her on this, because nothing good ever happens in the kitchen after 9pm.

There is nothing worse than when you eat something bad, and immediately regret it after you swallow. I used to get so depressed and would, in turn keep stuffing the cream cheese frosting down my throat, thinking there's no point in stopping now.

I did the same with a sleeve (or maybe a couple boxes) of Girl Scout Cookies. I was eating them mindlessly, when I realized that I was almost finished with the entire TWO boxes.  I had maybe 5 cookies left, and I wrapped it up and put them away, hoping to find distraction in TV. Unfortunately, my one track food brain couldn't stop thinking about those cookies and I ended up eating the rest thinking that I might as well finish them now, because they'd be gone sooner or later.

This type of behavior is what makes me feel saddened by my relationship with food.  


Food controls me, when I should be controlling it. 


After that night's binge, I have been eating much better, and will forever fight the urge to eat the whole box of dark chocolate in my freezer.

Calories

1 little, 2 little, 3 little calories . .

I've been counting calories for the past couple years on and off again. I've lost weight on it, but this time, I'm doing it to gain a sense of portion control.

In my family, food is served with a free (and heavy) hand. It's a synonym for love, comfort, and joy. If I was feeling sad, my grandpa would give me some ice-cream. Happy? A warm bowl of spaghetti always made my heart soar with joy. Food was it's own emotion in my life, and I see that philosophy carry over into my adulthood.

When I had a bad day or felt stressed, I'd seek out that doughnut or piece of tiramisu cake with vigor. I'd sit on the counter, legs swinging and eat away my feelings. I could trust that food more than I could trust life itself. Of course, I'd notice (and effectively block out) how my school uniform slowly stopped fitting, and how sucking in my stomach simply wouldn't make that zipper budge.

Food is my friend.

I truly, sincerely, even to this day, believe that.

So, I'm working on viewing food the same way we did long, long, loooong ago. I want to eat to live, I don't want to live to eat.


I think maintaining a healthy relationship with food will be one of the most powerful tools I can acquire for myself.

Chocolate Banana Walnut Oatmeal

Chocolate Banana Walnut Oatmeal

Last night when I went grocery shopping, I picked up cacao powder! I love chocolate and I am trying to be healthy, so I figured this would be a great opportunity to combine both!

For breakfast today, I had a great bowl of power oatmeal! The reason that it's called that is because the oats are a great source of healthy fiber, nuts are great for long term energy and protein, and banana's are great pre-workout.

When I made this recipe, I didn't add any truvia (big mistake), so next time I would probably add some in the pot while boiling the milk.


I adapted this recipe from here. This one seems great, but it was a large batch and seemed a little complicated to make first thing in the morning.

Chocolate Banana Walnut Oatmeal Recipe:

3/4 cup almond milk (I use vanilla)
1/4 cup water
1 tsp cacao powder (I used dark chocolate)
1 banana
Pinch of cinnamon
handful of walnuts (or any other nuts)
1 pack truvia or sweetner to taste

The recipe is so simple!

Just boil the almond milk, water and cacao powder and then add the oats.

Let cook for about 8 minutes, and then stir in the cinnamon.

Pour into a bowl, add walnuts and bananas on top and voila!


It's so easy and SO delicious. The whole recipe is about 400 calories and is super filling.


Alright, it's 11:37 AM and I need to stop procrastinating my morning workout!

 

Cheat Meals

Happy Mothers Day to all the beautiful moms out there in the world! I want to give a special shout out to my mom who does more for me, and our family, than anyone. Without her, I wouldn't be anywhere. I truly love you so much!

(edit: to anyone who I actually know that reads this blog has probably seen this photo circling my social media on various occasions. This is actually the ONLY photo my mom and I have taken in a very long time). 


I had a great day today with my family, and had some great food at P.F. Chang's, which is one of my moms favorite places to eat. I had lots of delicious food, including a couple pieces of sweet and sour chicken, some lemon chicken, scallops, coconut curry tofu and lots of other deliciousness. I didn't really count my calories at all, but I did try to limit my portions and not eat too much.

I did well, I think. I had a couple pieces of each dish, along with a couple bites of dessert.  I wish I had taken more pictures of the food, but we were all so focused on eating (typical) that all Instagramming was forgotten.

I do have one picture, of the amazing cast-iron pot that the oolong tea was served in. As a tea fanatic, I never really understood the hype that major tea stores (Teavana, anyone? I'm addicted to that place) place in marketing cast iron pots. But after having some delicious tea out of it, I'm sold on it. They're probably a little too expensive and a tad un-realistic to brew tea in regularly, but it was pretty cool!

Since it's not real unless it's on Instagram.....can I un-count this meal?

 I think that because I am OK now with "letting go" for one meal a week, I put less pressure on myself, and it's easier to pick up clean eating again. Not going to lie though, I did have Chipotle last night, so does that count as two cheat meals? Oh well...

For the rest of the week, however, there are no excuses and I plan to be on-point with my eating game.  I've got weight to lose!


I'm probably going to take a post-eating nap and then hit the gym to start my second week of Couch 2 5K, and continue with Week 1 Day 3 of LiveFit.

It's weird, I'm starting to enjoy the gym. Who am I?

Hope everyone has a great mothers day!

Progress

Since last Saturday, I have lost approximately 5.2 lbs. *ensue cheering*

I've gotten down to about 247-248, but never below. I'm hoping that by next week I can be near that mark, and surpass it the week after.

But my real progress marker lies not on the scale, but in my clothes.

I've always hated wearing jeans. When I hear the word, my mind immediately goes to the memories I have of me trying, yet ultimately failing, to suck in my stomach and get those jeans to button.

There's nothing more disheartening then having something not fit you. 

I remember always eyeballing the clothing I'd want to try on (what the hell, I still do this now) to see if it maaaybe it looks just baggy enough to fit over my body. But with jeans, it's the absolute worst.

Pick a size, any size. 

Chances are, I've tried it on. Like I said earlier, I've always been heavy-set. I remember weighing in at around 130-140 in the 3rd grade. Then, during 5th grade I started running with my dad. I'd just jog and jog and jog and somehow, around the beginning of 6th grade I'd whittled my way down to a size 11 in pants.

I remember this distinctly because we'd gone over to Macy's with my mom and aunt, and I asked my mom what size to try on. She told me to grab a 14, and for the first time in my life, something was too big for me. It was such a liberating feeling. 

Unfortunately, it didn't last long and by the end of 6th grade, those size 11 pants were too tight for me to even pull up.

My point in all this is, I really don't care what I weigh-in at. I care what clothes fit me. 

With that, I'd like to introduce my lovely red pants. I went to Old Navy (probably the only place on earth that allows me to squeeeeze my way into my size 18 pants, and allow me to deny that I need to go to the plus-size section of anywhere) last summer and purchased two pairs of pants. One pair of blue jeans, and one pair of red.

Though these pants have always been a little bit snug, and button just below the waist, my goal is to have them fit properly just in time for my first day of work on June 10. 

With this, I introduce to you my red pants!

 After I hit the 10 pound mark on the scale, I'm going to try these on again in the hopes that they fit somewhat better.

Clean Eating, Clean Eating, CLEAN EATING

The words Clean Eating actually terrify me. Terrify in the truest sense of the word, meaning the color drains from my face, my mouth is dry as cotton, and I'm probably more fidgety than Barty Crouch. It makes me feel like I'm supposed to be on a strict, no fun, no experimenting, bland egg white and oranges, diet.  As a person who loves food, truly loves it, there are no words more terrifying to me than C L E A N  E A T I N G. My mind starts whirling and I get images of high protein- no carb diets, sweet potatoes and other things I don't particularly like.

I love food. I love my veggies, I love carbs, I love sweets, and I especially love salt. The problem with Clean Eating isn't what the name implies, but the rigid expectations I tend to set for myself when I use the phrase.

I always say to myself, Okay, this is it, I'm going to eat clean and never mess up. Then, that's when all the weight will come off. It's my own personal mantra for failure. I make a plan to eat clean, worry about breaking it and slipping, inevitably I do break it, and then I quit. This cycle happens to me in various phases: sometimes within mere meals of starting, other times I can go days or even weeks. But I always manage to slip up, and then I quit. I quit because I think that if I can't stick to something, I shouldn't be doing it at all.

You're not ready. You don't have time. What the hell is clean eating anyways?! All things that I've said to myself in various stages of my clean eating failure.

But I've realized, throughout this year, with the great help of my friends, that mistakes are OK. That when it comes to riding the bike, you have to learn how to pedal first. That first phase of getting on your bike are the absolute hardest. I remember it in detail:

God, you think to yourself, It's awfully strange getting on this contraption with two wheels. What if it doesn't hold me? (A question I always, forever, unfortunately ask myself) What if I can't control it? What if I fall? What if I get hurt? I hate getting hurt. 

I remember my dad telling me that it was okay if I got hurt because in order for me to learn, a few bruises and scrapes were necessary. He always said that it's okay to fall and get hurt as long as you don't cry about it for too long.

The same philosophy, I have realized should be applied to the way I view myself, my weight,  my eating habits, and everything else in life. "It's a learning process" as my dad would say.

 So today, on this beautiful Friday in May, I am going to start applying this philosophy to my eating. It's okay if I mess up. It's okay if I had olive oil in my omelet. It's okay if I eat cheese. It's okay, as long as I understand that I need to begin to hold myself accountable for these actions. 

If I want a piece of cheese, I'll have it. But maybe I'll skip that slice of Pepper Jack on my dinner sandwich.