Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Bad Days

The other day, I had a bad eating day. Not because I went over my calories, but because I couldn't control myself. After having an OK day all day, cravings struck me around 9pm.

All I could think about was food. I mean, lick-your-fingers and the bowl type of food. I wanted chocolate cake with ice cream on it, and then a slice of warm apple pie right after. Hell, I probably could have gone for some french fries too.

I hate the fact that food controls my thoughts, emotions and feelings. I hate being emotionally dependent on food. 

I get crazy cravings that make me rummage through the fridge, looking for stuff we don't have, and in the process, eating lots of crazy things and binging, sad, frustrated and very unsatisfied.

I know that in my last post I talked about having a healthy relationship with food, but I don't think I understood how hard that comes.

It means that when I'm laying in bed after dinner watching TV, I can't indulge in that bowl of ice cream. It also means that when my family is ordering take out for dinner, I can't have a couple bites here and there (because, for me, that always turns into half a plate of food I didn't need).

It's so hard to detach myself from something that I have to do everyday. I have to eat, but I have to eat right. I have to learn that chomping on obscure foods isn't going to crack that craving, but that instead I really do just have to have a glass of water and do something else. 

Trust me, I know ALL the tips. I just have to follow them. 

 I thought that by allowing myself to have a small, healthy desert everyday, I could banish these cravings. But, let's be honest, 100 calorie greek yogurt ice cream really isn't as good as apple pie a la mode.

I guess I just have to really remind myself how excited I was when I made my way out of the 250s, and how much hitting the next  milestone is going to mean to me.

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right?

While I don't know if I will ever consider that statement to be true, I do know that I can't afford to cheat in the beginning stages of my regime. Right now, I'm in a vulnerable place where I'm trying really hard to stick to a routine, but my old cravings are creeping back into my life. I have to power through it and understand that going down into the kitchen after dinner can only end badly.

My roommate in freshman year told me that nothing good ever happens after 2 am. 
 I have to concur with her on this, because nothing good ever happens in the kitchen after 9pm.

There is nothing worse than when you eat something bad, and immediately regret it after you swallow. I used to get so depressed and would, in turn keep stuffing the cream cheese frosting down my throat, thinking there's no point in stopping now.

I did the same with a sleeve (or maybe a couple boxes) of Girl Scout Cookies. I was eating them mindlessly, when I realized that I was almost finished with the entire TWO boxes.  I had maybe 5 cookies left, and I wrapped it up and put them away, hoping to find distraction in TV. Unfortunately, my one track food brain couldn't stop thinking about those cookies and I ended up eating the rest thinking that I might as well finish them now, because they'd be gone sooner or later.

This type of behavior is what makes me feel saddened by my relationship with food.  

Food controls me, when I should be controlling it. 

After that night's binge, I have been eating much better, and will forever fight the urge to eat the whole box of dark chocolate in my freezer.

1 comment:

  1. That's ok, Esh! Nobody's perfect. I bet when you move into your apartment this fall, you'll have a much easier time because you won't have to keep crappy food around and think about it sitting in the kitchen! You're doing great :)