Ride For A Reason

Last Sunday, I accomplished something that I didn't think I'd be able to do. I rode 22 miles for a bike race. It was gruesome, tiring, challenging and hellacious, but I did it.

Last Sunday, I also ate a lot. That race burned around 1,600 calories for me and I definitely needed some energy back. I ended up throwing caution in the wind, and consuming MANY, MANY, MANY, calories that day.

I thought it would be a one time thing, but it wasn't. I felt a familiar feeling creep back into my life - the idea that my stomach was an eternal black hole and nothing could fill it. After the race, I went to Panera and filled up on Black Bean Soup and a Tomato and Mozzarella Panini (well, well worth it). I enjoyed every last bite of that creamy yet tangy sandwich, and if I try really hard I can still taste the kick of the Black Bean Soup. That meal was gratifying. After that race, that meal really gave me the energy that a banana and a couple Chewy bars couldn't really replenish.

Another thing happened on Sunday as well. I crumbled. I lost control, and worst of all, I lost my mindset. I lost the ability and the reasoning that would tell my brain to put down the cookie and step away from the cheese. I lost the motivation to keep fighting my wants. I gave in. I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I did.

I remember the exact moment it happened, too. I went downstairs and there was an opened packet of Oatmeal Raisin cookies sitting on the counter. You have to remember, I love, like seriously LOVE, baked goods. I saw the last three cookies sitting on the counter and something snapped. I told myself what the hell, you can have it. Just sit down, pour yourself a glass of milk and have the cookies.

So I did. Then I ate an apple cinnamon muffin, and some basil pesto pasta for dinner.

...I haven't stopped since.

But this week, I realized something valuable. I realized that half the stuff I was eating, I didn't even want to be eating.

 

 I was the cake, and my brain was Mrs. Trunchbull, making me eat cake that I didn't even want to be eating. I was forcing myself into eating something that I knew wasn't beneficial for me at all.

 

I'd like to return to my previous eating habits, because I might have gotten bored with them in the moment, but I know that in the long run what I was doing was so much better for me.

 

I have to weigh myself tomorrow, and the fact that the scale isn't going to be in my favor is enough to make me regret every single thing that I've eaten in this past week. Last week I hit a personal low for me, and it was incredibly stupid of me to give up seeing an even lower number on the scale, just for food.

 

I have to do it, though. I have to see the number and see how poor actions cause poor results.

 

I'm not writing this as a depressing thing, but because I know that I have to be mentally ready to work hard again because I've set myself backward.